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i don't need you, but i want you

I find that the most unexpected conversations that I find myself in end up being the most though-provoking… or at least result in some sort of self-reflection. A week ago a male doctor was giving me a hard time (jokingly) by about being single and being “too tough” for most guys. I laughed and brushed it off; I kept typing my progress note as I realized a female physician was looking at me over the computer screen.

I stopped typing.

“Make sure he gets it,” she said.

“Gets it?”

“Yea. You know, that he gets ‘you’ and the fact that you don’t need him. Make sure he is actually ok with it. Most of them aren’t, even if they say they are. Figure that out early and save yourself the heartache,” she said.

She went on to explain that her husband said he was fine with it. He recognized she didn’t “need” him in the traditional male-female dynamic. Playing a larger role as nurturer with the children was ok with him and he loved her independence. She said that those exact topics that originally were heralded as welcomed items lost their novelty and are most often the points of contention in their marriage.

Jhene Aiko’s The Worst

I don’t need you  [x4]
But I want you
I don’t mean to [x4]
But I love you

So there we sat.

I silently nodded while she divulged information that I internally questioned in numerous conversations with myself over the past few years. Here she was: a living embodiment of my debate.


I don’t want that – I don’t need a “stay at home husband” or someone who is waiting for me to get home.  No thanks. I would like someone who is going to challenge me and embrace the feisty, sassy, bull-headedness that is “me”. No doormats here.  For some reason, people think it is either 1). Doormat or 2). Bread-winner. How about a partner? A team mate? That is what I don’t get. I want to be with someone who loves who I am (even the bad parts) and makes me shine brighter with them; someone who allows me to bring out the best in them and support them.

I say these things and I get stared at and hear things like “idealist” or “unrealistic”. I’m a pretty cynical chick, but I don’t think anything mentioned here is out of the question…


Or at least I hope not.


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