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*_*scarlet letter*_*

When I’m nervous there is no hiding it. I yawn uncontrollably (weird, yes) and my stomach feels like it has relocated itself somewhere near my epiglottis. I’m experiencing both things currently. In fact, I am so nervous, I am early (by 90 minutes) for a dinner where I am meeting a friend’s fiancé. Normally this should not warrant terror, however I have an ugly past where male friends of mine have significant others who literally hate me and forbid them from seeing me. Seriously. For some reason I put off a “hey I want your man because I can’t find my own” vibe.

Super.

Here are the most recent examples. Example #1: classmate in my masters program. Apparently this lad was told by his wife (after meeting me one time and not actually speaking to me) that he was, get this, FORBIDDEN, from studying with me or being near me. Not lying. I did not know this morsel of information, so when I was confronted via a private Facebook message a la Cheaters-style I was blind-sided. I came to understand that homeboy had me stored in his phone under a secret codename and when he would text me, it showed up as a guy’s name. His wife figured this out and I was rewarded with a scarlet letter “A”. Friend gone. Example #2: co-worker. This guy’s significant other apparently has spidey senses for who is a threat (insert sarcasm here) because without ever even meeting me, she detests me. I am now a pseudo social pariah. Work it.

Emma Stone in "Easy A"


I like to think I am super tough. However, at some point I have started to feel a bit wounded. I do not have a large number of friends, so the ones that I have, I treasure. When one of these is forcefully removed from my personal circle for what I deem as NO GOOD REASON: that hurts. I haven’t been able to put my finger on what it is that I am doing, or not doing, that leads my friend’s significant others to loathe me and brand me a threat, but it has to be something. I had this theory when I was applying for jobs and PA school that if I simply got the interview, they would like me and I would be set. I’m not even getting the interview in these situations.


With that being said, I have an interview tonight. I am incredibly nervous. So, as I practice deep breathing exercises and imagine my happy place, I cross my fingers and hope that I can retain this friend and make a new one. When you’re a single late-20s girl, your friends are your extended family. I don’t want another divorce (:

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