A wise friend once told me to be careful choosing a partner
in life. Make sure that person is moving through life with the same purposeful
speed and motion that you are so that when you cross that finish line, you do
it together. It makes sense more now than ever before. You cannot drag others
behind you, hoping they will catch up if that means they are slowing your
progress and potentially making you turn around to see where they are.
I have had a difficult time trying to make sense out of
relationships that have ended over the past year or so. At times I question if
those people thought they were spending too much energy on me, pulling me from
the front to ensure my clearance of the finish line and decided enough was
enough. Or, perhaps, it was simply time for us to go our separate ways and it
was mutual. I do not know. Regardless of how hard I try, there is a significant
hole left that still feels like a raw wound. I would like to know when that
will heal.
I have been at my job for a year now. It has become clear to
me that there was a significant deficiency in my education that does not have
anything to do with diagnostics or treatment, but with the psychological toll
dealing with critically, sometimes terminally, ill patients can take on a
person. I am unsure if this is a skill that is acquired over time with
experience or something that must be actively sought after and incorporated
into one’s skill set. The past month has weighed heavily on me. I wear my
emotions through my stomach. With certainty I can say I have an ulcer. There is
also the alarming addition of intermittent migraines that need to pack their
bags and hit the road because I am a monster with a headache (more than normal
if you ask my friends, lol).
Playing softball has helped provide me an outlet, but something is
missing still. I try not to feel as though I am constantly searching for
something “else” but that sensation is present. One of my favorite metaphors
comes from an author named Annie Lamott. She says in her book Bird by Bird, we go through life with
only a flashlight in the dark. We can only see the small area our flashlight
casts light on; it does not make sense, and is not prudent to obsess over what
is in the peripheral dark areas. As long as you continue to walk forward and
make progress, your path will be revealed slowly. It is when we get occupied by
the “what ifs” and the “what elses” that our path becomes unclear and we invite
the risk of becoming stagnant.
It’s like Dory says, “JUST KEEP SWIMMING.”
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