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far and away

I’m going back to Peru. I’ve wanted to return to Peru since the moment I left it four years ago. Knowing the immensely profound opportunity I have to travel to a foreign country, be welcomed by a community, and help that community with my newly acquired skills and knowledge has the power to make me take a deep breath and hold it. Then I stop and think: Is one week enough? The answer is most definitely: No, it is not. I want to stay there for months…and months. There are multiple problems with that. 1. That would be expensive. 2. I have a fantastic job opportunity that will not wait for me for that long. 3. I do not know if I have the capacity for being alone in a country I do not know, speaking a language I am only slightly acquainted with for that period of time. I am not sure which of those three problems is the most significant.

Maybe they are all equally significant. Each has its own importance. The last thing I want to do is go to an amazing country for an extended time while school debt equaling half of a house awaits me back home. I would feel guilty. Then I stop myself and say, “How can I feel guilty for seeing a beautiful, foreign land and helping those who reside in that land? There is nothing there to feel guilty about.” And yet, there is my guilt. I feel it right around the location of my thyroid. It brings me back to my inner conversation where I say to myself that one week is enough. Rather, I try to justify that one week is enough.

And yet, I dream. I visit travel sites. Plan my day trips. Decide which cities, which ruins, which beaches I will see on my extended trip. I plan out my finances. Determine how much I can spend extra aside from my medical mission trip.

I had two serious relationships in my life. One ended terribly – dragged out and re-injured like roadkill until the original relationship was indistinguishable. The second, I fear/believe, was only serious to me. The second was important for two reasons –  1. It told me that I was whole again after my roadkill experience.  2. It may have happened too soon after the roadkill. I told myself I needed to be alone… I needed to “find” myself as a single, strong female. The last time I was in Peru, I was in stage 1 of roadkill… I envision myself standing on a hill, looking over a lush, green, swaying field of grass moving in the salt air – thinking of nothing other than that moment. For the first time in…I do not know how many years, spending time with just myself will be my priority. Immersing myself in a language I have always enjoyed. Visiting a land where people with a fraction of the material things live richer lives than most anyone I know.

Regardless… While I may not know the duration of my visit, I am going. I will continue to compile lists of dream trips and necessary supplies for the clinic. Things fall into place as they need to…
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