I’m competitive. Not competitive like: I don’t like losing and will pout. Competitive like: if I am going to do something, play something, learn something, I must be great at it. Not as in passable and not a liability; great as in, I’m-going-to-beat-you-and-you’re-going-to-remember-me good. I do not and will never tolerate the phrase “good for a girl”. That is a back-handed compliment. When I am not up to par with something it doesn’t just bother me, it sits in my stomach like a lead ping-pong-sized ball that acts as a nagging reminder that I need to do better and be better. This does not simply apply to my athletic adventures. It spans all aspects of my life: sports, school, professional, personal, even fantasy football :) . I expect a lot out of those around me because I expect even more from myself.
No one is a harder critic than I am.
However, I recognize that I am on a journey. I am not sprinting. If I expect results of a sprinter, I will be disappointed in the long run. You cannot force success, growth, or anything else that requires nurturing, attention, and effort. We cannot be so obsessed with the win that we lose sight of the game plan. This took a long time for me to realize and accept. I wanted, so badly, for everything to be in its perfect place, exactly where I wanted it, that my planning turned into suffocating and I found myself empty handed. I found myself sitting at my kitchen table, staring at rejection letters from every graduate program I applied to, thinking to myself, “What am I going to do now?” My well-oiled plan just combusted. That ping-pong-sized ball of failure grew at a malignant pace. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come back out again. I was so embarrassed I wanted to pretend the whole situation never happened. I never applied to grad school. I didn’t care I wasn’t accepted. I was content being a nanny and working at a bank after I graduated with Honors less than a year ago. The thing is…I wasn’t.
My failure, my rejection, and that watermelon of embarrassment kept me from being happy with myself, my friends, and my life. I felt like didn’t deserve anything good. I should not be happy. I did not deserve to re-apply to graduate school. I did not know which side was up and was not looking or asking for help.
The thing is, I am not one to lay down and die. I refused to accept that I was not good enough. I started over fresh. New attitude, cleaned up the clutter in my life, kept the positive influences around, and got rid of the distractions. It was liberating. As I started to fight again, work toward my goal again, things started to make sense. I was a happier, healthier, more complete “me” and I was completely satisfied with whatever came from my application process. I realized after my first interview at one of the schools that no matter what the result, I had succeeded. I realized that things happen for a reason and if I was supposed to start grad school to become a Physician Assistant, it would happen. If not, I would accept my new path, whatever it may be, and succeed. I would compete and be the best whatever I would be.
PA school wanted me. I was ready for it, or so I thought. Never did I expect the battle that was set before me. It breaks you down and forces you to pick yourself back up again. It tests you and pushes you to your limit and then asks if you are ready for some more. That nagging, debilitating weight of insecurity and the unknown pulls you back, tries to keep you from succeeding. It reminds you that to be the best, to be the professional and the person you desire to be, you’d better compete. You have to push yourself to where you feel you cannot give any more. Once you get to that point: give more. Give so much of yourself you are empty. Now you have just started. PA school isn’t a medical education. It is a lesson in character, personality, and perseverance.
I am grateful that I was rejected. Not just rejected by grad school the first time around, but that I was told by multiple coaches I was not good enough and wouldn’t be able to play college softball. Glad that I ignored that little nagging voice telling me to quit because I was not good enough for grad school. I am in debt to those in my life who held my hand, lifted me up and said, “You can do this” even when I didn’t think I could.
The great thing about competing in life is that you get to pick your own team. Make sure that your players have the same goal, effort, and prerogative. Don’t forget that it’s not just the end goal that is important. Remember to enjoy the journey – pick up the necessary lessons, knowledge, and confidence attained through experience.
Oh! And remember – perseverance overcomes inexperience everyday.
Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. ~Newt Gingrich
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